this weeks thoughts.

I woke up at 12pm the other morning (mighta been yesterday), reverting back to my lazy teenhood i guess :), i love it when the light comes thru the curtain, its so bright and almost painfully white. but theres something that attracts me to it. i missed writting on here, i not miss the net as much as i thought, but being able to writting my thoughts down i missed. i had to search thru endless boxes to find some paper and a pen that worked, but as soon as i did, i felt better. i find that if i dont talk for awhile, i dont feel like talking ever again, talking seems to be a useless use of energy, i love to float away in my mind, in layers and layers of day dreams, and where silence and observing is preserved. sometimes i dont know what i am saying, things seem to make more sence in my head, but muddled on paper.

my mum is sad inside, i feel her pain, i feel like shit beacuse i caused it. sometimes i feel so much that i just want to die, or slip in to that inbetween place of life and death.

i dont feel any different after marrige, but i can say that basicly when you are grown up, life becomes full of worries and STUFF. you either want stuff, or have stuff, or fight over stuff.
shopping is easyer when its only 2 people, but u cant really get kiddy stuff for ureself and say its just for the kids.

it is very cold out, and what is very weird is that the weather is very different from one part of manchester to another. yesterday night tho it was so cold i did not feel anything anymore, not coldness or my fingers.

my mind is always filled with thoughts latly, i wait for contact from my grandma, i dont know why, but i feel i sinned in some way. her voice on the phone when my mum told her, was just chilling, i never heard her sound like that. she asked who was i, as if she not have a grand daughter. i felt lost.

i dont feel very lost at the moment tho, i have my husband who cares for me, my family who love me, and g-d's warmth surrounding protecting love.

i can only blog one or twice a week now, this kinda sucks. so i taking notes in a notebook.

see you next week i guess, whoever is listening, love and blessings :)